Jason Rhyne’s “If You Were Gay” – The Michael Douglas Edition

photo by T Charles Erickson

The Eugene O’Neill Center recently awarded Michael Douglas their 12th Annual Monte Cristo Award for his contributions to the theater. At the gala event at the Edison Ballroom in New York, performers Colman Domingo and John Tartaglia performed a parody of “If You Were Gay” from the musical AVENUE Q – by lyricist Jason Rhyne.

The full text of the skit is below.

Two presenters take the stage.

A
Michael Douglas, what a career. From action star to pyscho-thriller king to a million other roles over the years — but in his next film is going to be something a little different. (turns to B) Not sure if you heard, but Michael is going to be playing Mr. Showmanship himself — Liberace — in the forthcoming HBO film, Behind the Candelabra.

B
Wow, really?

A
That’s right.

B
Huh…

A
What is it?

B
Liberace. That’s interesting. That’s fantastic.

A
Ok….

B
Well I guess I’d just never really added it all up that Michael Douglas might be….ahh…

A
Might be what?

B
Well, Liberace…

A
I don’t know what that means.

B
(looking for Michael in the crowd)

Oh no nothing, it’s just that ….

(‘If You Were Gay’ vamp begins.)

Where’s Michael? There he is. Good mercy is he handsome.

(he points)

Hi, I just wanted to say congratulations. And that it takes a lot of courage, a lot of resolve, a lot of bravery at this age. So. Congrats.

A
What are you talking about? Just because you play a role doesn’t mean you’re-

B
Liberace, please. I think we all know what’s going on here…

(he sings — directly to Michael)

IF YOU WERE GAY

A
Michael isn’t gay.

B
THAT’D MAKE MY DAY!

A
(spoken) He’s just playing Liberace…

B
BUT JUST TO PLAY
HIM MAKES YOU GAY HALF-WAY!

A
That’s –

B
(to Michael) IF YOU’RE NOT STRAIGHT

A
He’s actually very straight.

B
(shrugs) IF NOT THOUGH? GREAT!

A
He would have come out by now!

B
IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO SAY
THAT YOU ARE GAY!
(IF YOU ARE GAY?!)

(spoken) Michael Douglas, you just knock me out.

A
Michael has been one of Hollywood’s most notoriously heterosexual actors for over 40 years. I understand you may wish he was gay, but I’m afraid that’s just not the case.

B
It’s not just the Liberace thing that has me wondering. I’ve been noticing things about Michael for a long time.

A
Oh really..

B
HE HAS BEEN QUEER
HIS WHOLE CAREER!

A
Oh come on!

B
THE CLUES WERE CLEAR:
EXPLAIN THIS HERE TO ME!

(He points behind him and a large slide of a young, sleeveless Michael Douglas appears on a screen.)

(attention back to Michael, sings:)
WHAT IS THAT BUT PROOF
YOU’RE A LITTLE POOF!
SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOF TODAY:
“HEY, FILM-GOING AMERICA, I’M GAY”
(YOU ARE QUITE GAY)

YOUR PROFILE
ON IMDB,
SURE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE STRAIGHT
….TILL YOU PLAYED ZACH IN A CHORUS LINE…

B
(spoken as music swells under him)
You listen to me, Michael Douglas. You may be a little late in The Game, but if you being gay is your Basic Instinct, then I call upon you to let it come Shining Through and for you to make a full Disclosure here tonight. And after that, you and I will run off and live on the Streets of San Francisco, which I do not care if anybody remembers but is a fantastic television show of yours from 1972 – 1976 that also features Karl Malden and includes San Francisco right in the title.

(sings:)
YOU MUST BE GAY
WONDER BOYS? I’LL SAY!
GREED IS GOOD, BUT GAY
IS BETTER ANY DAY!

IF YOU FOLLOW THROUGH
I’LL BE GAY WITH YOU!
WHAT I WOULDN’T DO FOR YOU!
MADE A RABBIT STEW FOR YOU!
RENTED WALL STREET TWO FOR YOU!

Finds Catherine Zeta Jones in the crowd.

AND LISTEN – HEY, I’M SORRY, CZJ!
HE’S GAY
(PLEASE GOD BE GAY!)

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